Valkyrie in Wonderland
by Liv Low
Summary: Skulduggery and Val are searching for a missing man from the sanctuary, or at least Skulduggery is. Valkyrie got bored and decided to take a nap. But when she wakes up she discovers that things have gone funny while she was asleep.
1. Chapter 1: The start of it all

It was a typical day for our two favorite Irish detectives. Skulduggery Pleasant was standing in the middle of a forest, his pinstriped suit and matching hat stood out through the green of the trees surrounding them. Valkyrie Cain wasn't much better in her black trouser and jacket, a hint of red peeking out around her collar from behind her hair.

"Do you see anything?" she asked in a whisper.

"Not yet," Skulduggery's velvety voice replied.

"What about now?"

"No, Valkyrie."

"How about now?"

Skulduggery sighed. "Valkyrie, I'm not going to be able to find anything this way."

"Well sorry, but I'm bored."

"Then go look over there," he pointed over to a clump of bushes 10 feet away.

"But we already looked over there."

"No we didn't."

"Yes we did."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"No you're not," he said stubbornly.

"Can I take a nap?"

Skulduggery's skull turned towards her very slowly. "There is a missing person who is very important to the Sanctuary, he could be in trouble and you want to nap?"

"Yep, that about sums it up."

"If I let you nap will you let me keep looking without interrupting me?"

"I'm taking a nap whether you let me or not."

"Well that's not fair. If you do that then it will look like I don't have any authority over you."

"You don't have any authority over me."

"Yes I do. I am an authoritative person. My aura screams authority."

"Your aura?" Valkyrie looked at him skeptically.

"I couldn't think of a better word."

"Yeah, ok. I'm going to go take a nap now," she said walking away from her friend.

"I will allow you to take a nap." Skulduggery replied as he turned his attention back to the bush he had been inspecting before he had been distracted.

She sat down at the bottom of a tree and watched Skulduggery look around. They were looking for a missing person. His name had been something ridiculously normal for a sorcerer. '_Somebody _White or something like that,' she thought but she couldn't quite remember. Didn't matter. Her eyes slowly closed shut. It had been over a week since she last went home and had a good night's sleep. It was quiet now and she didn't have anything better to do. As she was drifting off to sleep she wondered how long she would be able to sleep before Skulduggery got them into trouble.

Valkyrie woke up feeling hot. When did it get so warm? She kept her eyes closed wanting to hold on to the last seconds of sleep before her mind woke up completely. Her eyes snapped open. She was warm! Her clothes, specially designed by Ghastly Bespoke, were supposed to keep her comfortable. Had she broken them? Was it even possible to break magic clothes?

She looked down, hoping that her clothes were alright. What she saw surprised her even more than the heat. She was wearing a dress. A DRESS! And it was baby blue!

"What the hell am I wearing?" She squealed in horror. "An apron? I feel like I walked out of Mother Goose!"

"You think that's bad? Look at me!" Behind her came a voice that was all too familiar.

Val turned around slowly. There stood an exact copy of herself. "Darquesse…" she whispered, but then she got a good look at her. Valkyrie Cain burst out laughing. There stood the person who had terrified her the most for years, wearing a pink frilly dress. Darquesse, like Val, had an apron on too and a pink bow in her dark hair.

Val had fallen on the ground by now, laughing up a storm. "Y-you look ridiculous!" she cried through her insane giggling. Darquesse kicked her but that only made her laugh harder.

"I can't believe I have to live in your head," Darquesse said trying to ignore Valkyrie's continuing giggles. After Val got a hold of herself she looked around, finally realizing something important.

"Where's Skulduggery?" she asked trying not to start into another fit of giggles.

"How should I know? One minute I'm watching you dreaming about Alice riding a purple and green cow, the next I'm standing behind you in this." She gestured at the dress with disgust. Valkyrie tried to hold back a snicker.

They stood there and stared for a while, not saying anything, until they heard a crack from behind them. They both turned looking deeper into the forest.

"You think that's Skulduggery?"

"It might be."

A flash of white in the distance caught Val's eye.

"What's that?"

The white appeared again but this time it didn't disappear. No, it came right towards them. Both of them got into a fighting stance. The white grew and grew until they recognized it as …

"Billy-Ray?"

Billy-Ray Sanguine was racing towards them, crashing through bushes. He nearly crashed into a tree twice but swerved at the last second. His hair had turned white and he was wearing a waistcoat with a large gold watch dangling from it, but that wasn't the weirdest part. There, sitting on top his head, were two large, white rabbit ears. Billy-Ray froze in front of them. His ears twitched.

"I'm la-" Before he could finish what he was saying Valkyrie hit him. Darquesse raised an eyebrow. "He had it coming." Valkyrie said as she shrugged. Darquesse didn't argue.

"We could kill him." She suggested.

"We could but we won't." Valkyrie glared at her. "He's defenseless and a bunny. I can't kill a bunny!"

"Why not?"

"Cause they're adorable."

"But it's Billy-Ray."

"But it's a bunny…"

"You're ridiculous."

"Shut up." Valkyrie snarled as she flung the unconscious man over her shoulder. "I want to find Skulduggery. Come on." She started walking in the direction Bill-Ray had come from.

"Why should I follow you?" Darquesse asked but followed Val anyway.

"Because you don't want to be the only one around wearing something like that?" Val suggested, still walking.

"True. Do you know where were going?"

"Not exactly but the Bentley was somewhere this way I think. And where the Bentley is Skulduggery is."

"Oh, great." Darquesse mumbled as together they went off in search of the skeleton detective.


	2. Chapter 2: Down we go

Dear Readers, thank you very much for your patience with me. This is my first fan fiction so I am not quite used to things. The reviews, favorites and follows I have gotten are a huge encouragement and I will try my best to update sooner. Let me know what you think and I can use all the ideas I can get. Once again thank you for everything. ~ Liv Low

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><p>Valkyrie and Darquesse walked through the forest, Val carrying a very heavy bunny Bill-Ray and Darquesse grumbling to herself about whatever plan she had running through her head at the moment. They had been walking for about ten minutes when Val stopped at the edge of a clearing. It wasn't a big clearing but it wasn't small either, just a little larger than a garage.<p>

"This is where the Bentley was," she said in a soft voice. She dropped Sanguine on the ground with a 'thump' and looked around the clearing. Darquesse watched her, emotionless.

"What are you going to do?"

Val ignored her and bent down close to the ground searching for something. She walked around the entire clearing her eyes never once leaving the ground.

"What are you looking for?"

"Clues." She said eyes still glued to the ground.

"Oh, not this again."

"Shut up. This time I know what a clue looks like." She looked around for a while longer, searching the bushes around the clearing, and then stood up confused. "There aren't any tyre tracks. Not from when we came or if he left."

Darquesse nodded. "Maybe you got the wrong spot?"

"You know as well as I do this was the spot."

"Skulduggery brushed the tracks away?"

"There would be marks of brushing or if he used magic there would be traces of it left."

"Magical tyres?"

"Magical tyres?" Valkyrie asked skeptically.

"Hey, I said it first."

"No, no, no, what do you mean magical tyres?"

"Oh, like they don't leave tracks or anything."

"I don't think those exist."

"Why not?" Darq asked stubbornly.

"Because who would use them?"

They argued back and forth for a couple of minutes. In the meantime, a certain bunny-eared villain was waking up with a major headache. He sat up. 'Where am I?' he wondered to himself. Then he noticed the girls arguing and stood up.

"What, pray tell, are you arguing about?"

The girls turned on him angrily and both yelled in unison, "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

Billy-Ray stood there, eyes wide in shock and terror and his ears pressed down against his head. The girls blinked, looked at each other, and then looked back.

"Ummm…sorry?" Valkyrie said questioningly, wondering if she really had to apologize. The apology seemed to work, though.

"That's quite alright." He replied, his ears perking up and a grin stretching from ear to ear. "I am Billy-Ray White, at your service." Val looked to Darquesse and Darquesse looked at her. This guy was way too perky. "So, you're not Billy-Ray Sanguine?"

"Oh, dear me, no child. My name is White." Billy's nose twitched as he absent mindedly fiddled with his small circular sunglasses.

Then something dawned on Darquesse. "Hey! You're that man that disappeared from the sanctuary! The one Valkyrie and Skulduggery were looking for."

"Ah! The famous detectives were looking for me were they? How encouraging. Although I doubt they will be able to find me. She wouldn't let them." His ears sagged. Valkyrie was about to say something when he looked at his over-sized pocket watch.

"Oh good gravy, I'm late!" he screamed right into Darquesse's ear. "I need to get going or it'll be the end of me." And with that, he ran to the middle of the clearing and dove head first into the ground, digging as he went.

Valkyrie and Darquesse ran to the edge of the hole he left and looked down.

"You know he doesn't usually leave holes." Val commented.

"Yeah well, he's not exactly your typical angry, American Billy-Ray, is he?"

"Well no, not really,"

"I say we follow him" Darquesse smiled.

"You also said we should kill him."

"Well we could do that too but to do that we have to follow him."

"I already told you we're not going to kill him. And it's a good thing I didn't let you kill him otherwise Skulduggery and I would have been in a whole lot of trouble." She glared at the other version of herself.

"Oh, shut up already and get down the hole."

Valkyrie looked down the hole, again. "He's been down there a long time. How far do you think it goes?" Darquesse just shrugged. "I'm not sure going down there is such a good idea. I mean it could get really narrow in there and I could get stuck and…"

Darquesse sat there looking at Valkyrie as she kept looking down the hole and talking. Standing quietly so as not to let her on Darquesse snuck up behind Val and kicked her bum. Valkyrie stopped talking mid-sentence and teetered on the edge her arms flailing trying to gain her balance. She stayed that way a couple of seconds before tumbling down. Darquesse snickered as she watched Val panic at the edge and then fall. Looking down after her, she shrugged and jumped down after, laughing on the way down.

As Valkyrie fell down the hole, she figured she would have some sort of revelation or perhaps have her life flash before her eyes. However, the only thing that went through her head was 'AHHHHHH!' After she had finished screaming she realized she was still falling. This didn't bother her much until she heard laughing coming from above her.

She looked up and saw Darquesse falling towards her. "Oh crap," she said and braced herself. Darquesse crashed into her making them both fall faster.

"Get off of me, you big- Ouch!" Val's back hit the wall as she tried to untangle herself. Darquesse just giggled.

Finally untangling herself, Val slapped Darquesse upside the head. "What the hell were you thinking?!" she screamed at her. Darquesse glared back. "You weren't going to jump down the bloody hole anytime soon so I decided to help."

"HELP!?" Valkyrie took the girl by the shoulders and started shaking her. "What do you mean help? Now we're falling down a hole to who knows where!"

It was at that moment that something whizzed by their ears.  
>"What the..?" They looked below them and what they saw shocked them. A piano was stuck in the hole half buried, half in their way. The girls screamed and hugged each other trying to get out of the way of the piano. The fell right past except for Val's foot that hit the keys with a clang.<p>

"BLOODY HELL! Where did that come from?" she screamed into Darquesse's ear

"How should I know?" she answered trying to get her ear to stop ringing.

Furniture, books and a bunch of random stuff stuck out of the walls of the tunnel or floated in one place as they fell. Val was still freaking out but after about five minutes Darquesse had grabbed a book and started reading as she fell. Val just stared at the girl wondering how she could be so calm and relaxed as she grabbed a cup of tea as it passed and took a sip. "What?" Darquesse asked innocently.

It was then that without warning they landed.


End file.
